Friday, November 19, 2010

Strength

At the moment lots of people are telling me how strong I am.

I guess for many people, what I am dealing with right now is a total nightmare.  I mean who really imagines their life partner is going to have brain surgery when you are due to have a baby in 3months.

I didn't expect it.  Nothing like this has happened in my family.  Bad things have happened in Shane's family, and they have a bit more practise with it all, but for me this is all new.

So I guess I am just muddling through it.  I put on the brave front when dealing with the doctor's and the kids, and when noone is listening I let out a big sob and kick something.  Driving by myself is when I really get the tears flowing, but the problem with that is I get a bright red rudolph nose when I cry that takes about 30mins to settle down.

Life isn't fair.  And good people put up with fucking horrible shit.  This is hard, and its the uncertainty that is the hardest.  Just when we think we have got over another hurdle, we got 2 steps back.

Today Shane started having seizures.  They were like skipping CD's, but they lasted about 2-5mins each.  His head sort of flicks, and he can't get the words out - like a tic or a bad stutter.  I sent him by ambulance to hospital, and he was discharged 3 hrs later with a new script.
Now I can't look at him in case he has another.

I really want to just curl up in a little ball most days and close my eyes, and rock quietly, but unfortunately there is just noone else around to do all the jobs.  So I keep doing it all, hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that bad things happened, and while our situation is bad, it could be a lot worse.  So while it looks like I'm strong, I'm not sure I am.  Maybe I'm a bit of a Prince William and Kate - ducks calm on the surface while their little legs are scrambling under the surface.

Some respite would be good.  Just a few days of how life used to be, and then I can do another month of this.  But I guess thats what strength is.  Knowing that unfortunately when you get up in the morning, its going to be the same as it was today.  And still getting up anyway.

4 comments:

Shannon said...

Oh honey :-s. I know you don't feel strong, but as you say, just knowing that you to go the next step the next day is the strongest thing you can do.

The sobbing is spot on, the kicking stuff is pretty spot on. I still have sobbing fits every few weeks wondering 'why us?'. Totally normal and doesn't mean you aren't coping, just means it's not bloody fair. Not even a little bit.

I hope the fits stop. I hope the new meds work.

I wish I could take it all away. I really really wish I could.

Please remember there are so many people thinking of you guys always.

*mwa*

Julia said...

I wish I could write a post as well as Shannon has Fi. But I wanted to post to say I've read this post a couple of times in the hope that I'd be able to come up with some comforting words and have still come up blank.

Thinking of you and your precious family xoxo

Rainbow Child said...

oh Fi!!!
nothing i can say will make things any better, but i hope the fact that i ( and others) are listening can give you a small comfort.
Writting it all down helps be when i am goign through tough stuff, so keep blogging! keep letting it out.
<3 <3 <3
all my love

Sam said...

((hugs))