How to achieve balance

It never ceases to amaze me how hard it is to make the right decision.  From lifestyle choices to what we eat and drink, it seems that its almost impossible to be perfect.
What matters for one family doesn't seem so important for others, so as parents we all walk this tight rope of trying to do the best for our children.

A great example is organic food.  Its expensive, but its supposedly good for you.  Perhaps stops cancer forming.  Better for the environment.  If you are buying meat or poultry, perhaps a better life for the animals.
Yet the price is restrictive for some, and lets face it - sometimes its nice to have a big perfect apple with no scars or animal marks.
On the other hand you could feed your children a wonderfully balanced diet - not too much red meat, plenty of fish and their 5 plus a day of fruit and veges.  Dairy - where to get the calcium from.  Cheese, processed or standard?  High fat or low?Buy milk from the farm gate - unpasteurised perhaps?  Or maybe you want to go vegan and look at soy or rice milk.  But then again, are lots of soy products good for your kids?
When you give your children their veges, do you count potato as one of them?  Are you ensuring they get leafy greens as well as those veges high in starch?  Do you try to give your children a "rainbow" of food each day?

Do you give your kids juice - organic or not, or do you simply give them water?  Are you filtering the water?  Are you drinking from a fluorinated supply?

Enough of food, how about immunisations?  Are you a conscientious objector believing that MMR causes austism?  Or perhaps you think that the mercury will harm, or perhaps the monkey brains is not much trot?  Do you accept that the HPV vaccine (gardisil) will actually prevent your daughter getting cervical cancer?

What about birth control.  Rhythm or condoms?  OCP or IUD?   Vasectomy for him or tying tubes for her?

Schooling - private or public?  Home school?  Extend or hold back?  Gifted and talented - encourage or mainstream?

Co sleeping?  Controlled crying?  Baby wearing??  Attachment parenting?  Pram?  Front facing, rear facing?  Booster after 5 or in the front seat?

Sports, Music, Ballet, Speech and Drama.

Vege gardening at home?

Free range eggs?

Make your own clothes or buy them?

Electric car or walk?  4WD or motorbike?

I don't know about you, but all the choices we have in life, and all the inherent judgement associated with life choices bamboozles me.  Of course I want to do the best for my family, but I get overwhelmed with the number of right decisions.  I haven't got the energy to get it all right, so I look for balanced based on my perception of acceptable risk.

We vaccinate - Against pretty much everything (except that stoopid HPV one).  We even pay for the flu jabs for adults and opted for Chicken Pox for the kids.  I understand there is a bit of discomfort for the kids, but I do believe for the general population that vaccination is for the community.

My decision is right for me, but wrong for so many others.  Sometimes though - I just don't have the energy to fight.
Can't we all just get along?  Accept others differences and leave it at that.

Now I'm off to feed my kids dinner.  Its white rice cause they like that, and its cooked in the microwave cause thats how I get the best result. They are having devilled sausages from homekill sausies cause they are yummier and have less crap in them, and I made the sauce from scratch because I never quite know whats in those packets.
I'll give them some veges, maybe some frozen beans and raw carrots - none of them organic or from the garden at the mo.
And I'll probably give them water or low fat milk to wash it down.  A piece of fruit for pudding.

Wow - all that decision making means I need a large glass of wine to recover.......

On being crazy.....

So it's been a rough 6m, and understandably I'm still a bit fragile.

I think because it all happened so quickly (the brain tumour that is) I've probably got PTSD.  Thinking that I really need to talk to someone, I decided to ask my GP for a referral to Maternal Mental Health at Campbell's 6 week check up.

She went through the questionnaire and because there were a couple of key questions I gave sensible answers for, it seems that I'm not quite crazy enough to qualify for the service.  They rang yesterday, and went through the questionnaire again with me (but tried to be all subtle about it), but again because I don't lie awake at night, and because I don't think of self harm, I'm not crazy!  And then she went on to say that she thinks the way I'm feeling is because of life, not having a baby.  I love that they can distinguish between the different sorts of crazy.

I guess I'm a little frustrated with a system that makes it difficult to get help once you have asked for it.  I don't have a history of depression, and I'm not into self harm, and all I really want is to have a good cry and get the crazies out of my system.

I'd like to be able to think about brain surgery without crying!  I'd like to be able to talk to health professionals (Neurosurgeon's, midwives, GP's, Occupational Therapists, ENT people etc etc etc) without crying as soon as someone mentions what life was like about 6m ago.

Anyway, I'll just keep treading water, coping very well, but knowing that at any moment it could all come crashing down.  Its hard when people look at you externally thinking that you are doing pretty well (which I am, I know) but inside its all a little fragile.  There is nothing I would like more than to spend the whole day in bed, and not have to get up and take the kids to school.

I'm well over driving.  We are planning a Sth Island 3 week holiday later in the year, and I'm a bit pissy that I have to do all the driving of the motorhome.  The Marlborough Vineyards are going to be no fun at all when I have to drive.  Although - I guess I could just park up the van for the night and really enjoy myself.

Roll on November when Shane can drive again!

Our new life 3 months on.....

Hard to believe, but its been just over 3 months leave since Shane had a huge chunk cut out of his brain.  I don't think I posted images, so here we go.
This was the toomah from the side.  When they injected the contrast in, it really made the whole thing pretty obvious huh?

I think they cut a big chunk out, and then dissected around the light/dark boundary to ensure they only removed a very minimal amount of normal tissue.
This image still scares the crap out of me (unfortunately it doesn't have the ability to scare the baby out of me....) and I am shocked at how well he is doing.
The boy wonder (otherwise known as the neuro registrar) showed me this before I counter-signed the consent forms for surgery, as at the time Shane was only giggling, couldn't form a sentence, and couldn't really hold a pen.

Now - you would barely recognise him from that pre-surgery guy.  His hair has grown back, and the scar isn't that obvious.  So people look really weirdly at him when we are doing the shopping, and I get everything out of the trolley. I'm sure they think he is a horrible man making his 40w pregnant partner do all that bending and lifting, but it really hurts his head so I have to.

He looks pretty normal, but gets grumpy so quickly.  This is softened in that he also gets rid of his grumpiness just as quickly, so thats a bonus.

He is sleeping better at night, he pretty much goes from 10pm til 6-7am most nights, and doesn't need pain relief anymore through the night, although he is up first thing to dose up.  And he still has to nap for 3-4 hrs a day, in between taking it really easy.

His executive decision making is probably most affected.  He doesn't think through situations as well, and can't really make good decisions on the fly.  So unless we are well organised with a list, or a sequence of events, he flounders, gets frustrated, and then fatigued, and then grumpy.  So I have to step in and be the grown up which is a total PITA. 

Tiredness makes everything worse - it magnifies all the little things by 1000%, but thankfully he hasn't had any seizures (that I know about.......) since his episodes about 8w ago.  I'm hoping our impending arrival doesn't put too much pressure on his sleep.

So - really, in a diabolical situation, we have really come out OK.  I have someone I can live with until we are grumpy old people in a nursing home.  He is able to look after himself really well, and in time, when the fatigue subsides, I'm sure I'll be able to leave him at home again with the kids.  Hopefully in a year or so, but that will depend on when he is permitted to be behind the wheel.

Life has changed.  I'm a real live grown up.  The buck totally stops with me, and thats scary.  I never realised what it would be like to the only grownup in a relationship - and its exhausting.  He does help, and thank goodness for that, but I know the grey hairs I know have are well-earned.
#3 is due today, and I'm not getting any good niggles - I think its because I just really don't get a chance to relax, and the fight or flight reflex is strong in this one master.....
So everytime Baby thinks it might be time, Hamish wee's on his sister, or Jenna throws something in a tantrum, or the cat brings in a dead animal, and reality kicks back in and I know that I just can't afford the downtime - so baby doesn't make an appearance!

I don't know her, but Lori, from http://www.rrsahm.com/ has just been through a terrible ordeal involving the loss of her husband, and it makes me realise how bloody lucky I am.  I got through what she has gone through, and came out relatively unscathed (in that life is functional, and I can get used to the new normal).  My heart breaks for her, and it still sends me into a panic about how close I came to being a "widow" with 3 young kids, or worse still a mother to three with a severely brain damaged other parent.
I am lucky.  And I do believe in miracles, but I don't think Shane's health is a miracle.  I believe the strength I have been able to find through all this was really God's gift to me, and its more amazing than anything else.  Because of all the prayers for our family, I have been able to hold it together and the little men in white jackets haven't had to come and get me, and put my kids into foster care.

So 3 months on.  Life continues with just as many emotional and spiritual challenges and this is the new normal.
Now we just have to find a way for my body to let go, relax and let this new bubby come into our insane family.

Roll on baby

So it worked.
I have no idea what it was that worked, but something did, and the sweet little baby has swung around again!
PHEW :)

So roll on baby.  Spicy curry for dinner tonight, taking dog for a walk when it cools down, and pineapple for pudding.
Here we go.

Never a dull moment....

Medically speaking, this pregnancy has been non-eventful for me and baby.
Of course there has been loads going on all around me, but bubs has been pretty well behaved and my body has been quite reliable.

Well that went and changed over the last week.

I had my 39w midwife appointment today, and she commented that the bum was feeling very bony.  I went straight away for a scan (thankfully a new radiology clinic has just opened in town with ultrasound facilities!!!) and sure enough, its not a bum.
This pesky child has turned head up.

At the moment, baby is looking something like this (but no idea on genitalia of course....):

Which is not at all ideal.  Particularly when you have a planned home birth.  So I'm now heading in for an "urgent" hospital appointment on Monday.  Not sure what they think urgent means, but evidently at 39w you can wait 4 days for these things.

So from here the options are:

1. Deliver said breech baby at hospital (apparently very possibly given its my #3 and its legs are up)
2. Get baby to turn through myself between now and Monday's appointment and continue with the home birth.
3. Go to Monday's appointment, baby still breech and have a ECV which looks unpleasant, but will allow me to have the home birth.
4. C/section (least favourable option)

Shane's reaction is hilarious.  He's very serious and worried and actually wants me to have the c/s I think so its a known solution.  The risk here for me is minimal, and actually in the current position bubs is in, its risk is fairly low too - its just the inconvenience of having to make the hospital delivery happen with me as the only driver and him somewhat incapable of running the household in my absence.
But I think he is actually getting a taste of what he put me through over the last wee while! (And on that note I'm really enjoying my new diamond earrings too......)

Why did baby turn?  Well I have my own suspicions on that, and I actually think that while I have been sitting in a good position, I'm been sitting alot doing all this sewing.  I wonder if bubs got sick of being head down in a little cramped pelvis while I sewed at my machine.  Its the only thing that has changed over the last week, and I'm thinking its the most likely cause, so the sewing machine is switched off from here until delivery!  Lucky all my log cabin stuff was done for Jan :)

My Plan of attack.

• Lots of time with bum in air.  We will do pillows, crawling around on all fours, handstands at the pool, lying on a plank.  You name it, I'm going to try it!
• Acupuncture booked in for tomorrow, he may do some dry needling, but its mainly going to be moxi and heat treatment.
• NO MORE NATURAL INDUCEMENT!!  We don't want this baby to come between now and Monday's appointment otherwise I am straight into hospital. 
• Lots of talking to bubs, and I'm trying to visualise a head locked into a pelvis.
• Reduced sitting time, with no more sewing.
• ECV I think on Monday if all fails.  There is lots of fluid there, I'm nice and spongey with saggy uterine muscles, so I think it will work.

On the positive side of things, bubs is confirmed to have an expected delivery weight of between 7-8lb, and I'm measuring bang on my dates.

As I said - never a dull moment in this household!

Trying not to do a depressing post....

Due to the last 6-7 weeks, much of what I have written here has been tainted with misfortune.  And I don't mean it to be, truly!  BUt I guess when the focus of your world becomes someone else's health, well you can't really help it.
The day after Shane was diagnosed with the Tumour, I had to make phone calls to ask for help.  As we were in the middle of reno's and the lino had been laid on the Friday, I was really stuck as I had no oven, washing machine, shower, bath, vanity, fridge, laundry tub in place.  Luckily we had the toilet, the kitchen sink and the dishwasher.
And the next problem I faced is that Shane is exactly the sort of person I needed to call!  Handy, capable and able to tackle most jobs.  Luckily we have a friend who is a plumber, and he came over on the Sunday to do all sorts of things for us, while his wife watched the kids.  Another friend came over on the Saturday and put back the fridge and washing machine.  But the oven was still tricky.  Shane had unwired it, and I really couldn't trust his wiring, so I knew I had to get a sparky in.

The person I called was Paul McLeod - the head of technology at Cambridge High School.  I did a practicum at CHS when I did my teacher training 2 years ago, and really enjoyed being in the tech department.  Such a lovely group of men, and had I not got the job where I did, I would have worked as a relief teacher at CHS until I was able to be squeezed in somewhere.  Such a lovely team.  After my prac finished, I saw an advertisement for a workshop technician for 2 hrs per week, and Shane approached them for the job.  He's been there since, and has really enjoyed his 2 hours in the man cave each week - fixing lathes and sharpening chisels, and he is able to use the facilities whenever he needs to out of hours for small welding jobs etc.  They love him too as it frees up the teachers time as they can leave the repair jobs for him in the weekend.

Paul was a great help when I called.  He gave me numbers to call, and over the next few weeks called a few times to check on progress.  He was understanding when Shane couldn't get in there, and even more understanding when Shane and I started doing his 2 hrs a week together over the last few weeks as I can't trust him to be in a workshop alone with his seizures and the like.

Sadly Paul took his own life on Sunday after what sounds like a long battle with depression.  He is survived by his wife of 42 years and his 3 daughters.  Today was the funeral, and I was holding it together pretty well until the daughters took the stage and the grief poured through them.

I'll miss him.  He was a bloody good colleague, a mentor, and an all round funny nice bloke.  I don't understand why it happened, why he all of a sudden didn't feel like he could reach out and ask for help.  I mean - I asked him for help 6-7 weeks ago, and he delivered.  Didn't he realise there were people who would do the same for him?

So - trying not to be a depressing post, but there it is.

On the lighter side of things, I have done some dyeing today, and I am getting my giveaway together!  Hopefully it will be ready in a week or so in time for Christmas!

Wow - wierd.....

So I checked this blog today to see if there were any comments (and thanks for your lovely comments from the other day, they mean alot to me) and I see there are a stack of hits from somewhere called

mumscom.niceboard.net

So I went to the site to see what it was, and its a forum you can't access.....  So what were they looking at on my little old blog?

The last couple of days have been scary in little old NZ.  The miners in the South Island dominate the news, and its really terrible.  I have never worked in mining, but I have been in industrial environments for much of my professional career as an engineer, and an operator in petrochemical.

I don't think people realise how hard it is to mount a rescue campaign.  Having trained in rescue, hot fire training, first aid, ammonia suits and BA gear, I know what its like to wear the gear and have to carry people out...  I know what its like to be blinded by smoke and have to crawl through a hot-house with all the gear on.

It sucks, and the thought of the poor rescuers having to tramp through a dark mine, in an explosive, toxic environment and not know if they will have enough O2 to make it out again - belies belief. 

I really feel for all the community down there. Greymouth is such a small community, everyone will be affected by it.

Puts a brain tumour in perspective really.

Strength

At the moment lots of people are telling me how strong I am.

I guess for many people, what I am dealing with right now is a total nightmare.  I mean who really imagines their life partner is going to have brain surgery when you are due to have a baby in 3months.

I didn't expect it.  Nothing like this has happened in my family.  Bad things have happened in Shane's family, and they have a bit more practise with it all, but for me this is all new.

So I guess I am just muddling through it.  I put on the brave front when dealing with the doctor's and the kids, and when noone is listening I let out a big sob and kick something.  Driving by myself is when I really get the tears flowing, but the problem with that is I get a bright red rudolph nose when I cry that takes about 30mins to settle down.

Life isn't fair.  And good people put up with fucking horrible shit.  This is hard, and its the uncertainty that is the hardest.  Just when we think we have got over another hurdle, we got 2 steps back.

Today Shane started having seizures.  They were like skipping CD's, but they lasted about 2-5mins each.  His head sort of flicks, and he can't get the words out - like a tic or a bad stutter.  I sent him by ambulance to hospital, and he was discharged 3 hrs later with a new script.
Now I can't look at him in case he has another.

I really want to just curl up in a little ball most days and close my eyes, and rock quietly, but unfortunately there is just noone else around to do all the jobs.  So I keep doing it all, hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that bad things happened, and while our situation is bad, it could be a lot worse.  So while it looks like I'm strong, I'm not sure I am.  Maybe I'm a bit of a Prince William and Kate - ducks calm on the surface while their little legs are scrambling under the surface.

Some respite would be good.  Just a few days of how life used to be, and then I can do another month of this.  But I guess thats what strength is.  Knowing that unfortunately when you get up in the morning, its going to be the same as it was today.  And still getting up anyway.

No new crafty stuff....

Nope.  Nothing.  Shane went back into hospital again this week, and so the week went a bit topsy turvy.  I suspect life is going to be like that alot over the next year or so.
He has found out that he is profoundly deaf in his RH side at higher frequencies, and moderately deaf at the lower frequencies.  This is OK.  Its not ideal, but its OK.
The interesting thing is the ear works fine, but the nerves seem to be damaged from the surgery removing the tumour.  It might work again one day, but likely not.

I have a birthday party this morning with Miss 5.  Fun times.  Such lovely kids and parents, but I just don't love parties.  And everyone will ask how he is.  And I'll have to explain things 10 times over.


Sigh - at least this baby inside seems to be doing all the right things - especially growing.  Hard to believe I still have 9 or so weeks to go!