Friday, March 25, 2011

On being crazy.....

So it's been a rough 6m, and understandably I'm still a bit fragile.

I think because it all happened so quickly (the brain tumour that is) I've probably got PTSD.  Thinking that I really need to talk to someone, I decided to ask my GP for a referral to Maternal Mental Health at Campbell's 6 week check up.

She went through the questionnaire and because there were a couple of key questions I gave sensible answers for, it seems that I'm not quite crazy enough to qualify for the service.  They rang yesterday, and went through the questionnaire again with me (but tried to be all subtle about it), but again because I don't lie awake at night, and because I don't think of self harm, I'm not crazy!  And then she went on to say that she thinks the way I'm feeling is because of life, not having a baby.  I love that they can distinguish between the different sorts of crazy.

I guess I'm a little frustrated with a system that makes it difficult to get help once you have asked for it.  I don't have a history of depression, and I'm not into self harm, and all I really want is to have a good cry and get the crazies out of my system.

I'd like to be able to think about brain surgery without crying!  I'd like to be able to talk to health professionals (Neurosurgeon's, midwives, GP's, Occupational Therapists, ENT people etc etc etc) without crying as soon as someone mentions what life was like about 6m ago.

Anyway, I'll just keep treading water, coping very well, but knowing that at any moment it could all come crashing down.  Its hard when people look at you externally thinking that you are doing pretty well (which I am, I know) but inside its all a little fragile.  There is nothing I would like more than to spend the whole day in bed, and not have to get up and take the kids to school.

I'm well over driving.  We are planning a Sth Island 3 week holiday later in the year, and I'm a bit pissy that I have to do all the driving of the motorhome.  The Marlborough Vineyards are going to be no fun at all when I have to drive.  Although - I guess I could just park up the van for the night and really enjoy myself.

Roll on November when Shane can drive again!


knottygal said...

Oh. I hope you feel better soon.. I am sending virtual hugs and healing thoughts your way..

Nikki Elisabeth said...

It's awesome that you asked for help Fi - I'm so glad you did! It's really sad (and ridiculous) that our mental health system is only set up to deal with people at crisis point (and even then, not very well!) rather than *preventing* people from getting to that point.

Is there another service you can go through?
Make use of friends too... xoxox

Anne (I should be sleeping) said...

I agree with Nikki- I'm really glad you asked for help. But I'm also disappointed with the outcome for you.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Find the friends that are safe, the ones who will let you vent and not bring it up every time they see you (unless you want that!).
Or I'm wondering if there are any churches in your area that could help you with connecting with different counsellong services?
I hope you find the ongoing help you need :)

Fiona said...

I hear you!
When I was pg with Zara at the 17 week mark (which is when I lost Devon and when I found out my Dad was Seriously ill with Xavier) I had a melt down at work and couldn't work. I was refered to MMH but it took 6 weeks to get to see them and by that stage it was in the past as I could feel Zara moving regularly. They were helpful but it scares me to think how bad some people must be if my anxiety and grief incappacitated me so much I couldn't work and it took 5 weeks to see them - and I had a history of anxiety! I agree it would seem you have to be self harming to get immediate help and if thats the case see above.
What about private medical insurance?
I also hear you on the seeming to be coping when you feel like it would all fall apart any minute have spent the last week feeling a little like that nd debated going to the GP but it sounds like theres no point, am feeling better now. Just know you aren't alone there.

Fi said...

Thanks for the suggestion - It might be worth looking at the private health cover. :)