So it's been a rough 6m, and understandably I'm still a bit fragile.
I think because it all happened so quickly (the brain tumour that is) I've probably got PTSD. Thinking that I really need to talk to someone, I decided to ask my GP for a referral to Maternal Mental Health at Campbell's 6 week check up.
She went through the questionnaire and because there were a couple of key questions I gave sensible answers for, it seems that I'm not quite crazy enough to qualify for the service. They rang yesterday, and went through the questionnaire again with me (but tried to be all subtle about it), but again because I don't lie awake at night, and because I don't think of self harm, I'm not crazy! And then she went on to say that she thinks the way I'm feeling is because of life, not having a baby. I love that they can distinguish between the different sorts of crazy.
I guess I'm a little frustrated with a system that makes it difficult to get help once you have asked for it. I don't have a history of depression, and I'm not into self harm, and all I really want is to have a good cry and get the crazies out of my system.
I'd like to be able to think about brain surgery without crying! I'd like to be able to talk to health professionals (Neurosurgeon's, midwives, GP's, Occupational Therapists, ENT people etc etc etc) without crying as soon as someone mentions what life was like about 6m ago.
Anyway, I'll just keep treading water, coping very well, but knowing that at any moment it could all come crashing down. Its hard when people look at you externally thinking that you are doing pretty well (which I am, I know) but inside its all a little fragile. There is nothing I would like more than to spend the whole day in bed, and not have to get up and take the kids to school.
I'm well over driving. We are planning a Sth Island 3 week holiday later in the year, and I'm a bit pissy that I have to do all the driving of the motorhome. The Marlborough Vineyards are going to be no fun at all when I have to drive. Although - I guess I could just park up the van for the night and really enjoy myself.
Roll on November when Shane can drive again!